Grey Flannel

Grey Flannel
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Despite never having posed nude or knowingly had a photograph taken paparazzi style of me in the nude, there seems to be a plethora of those encouraging me via email to order little blue pills, vacuum pumps, and other ancillary products to, ummm, stimulate growth of a certain part of my male anatomy.

I get several hundred of these types of emails every month. Do they know something I don't? Did someone I spurn a decade ago write to tell all them e-mailers out there of our experience together? In my defense, it was cold that night. Honest.

Regardless of one's appendage, I know of no man who does not outwardly portray he is the Adonis of all Adonises (if that is even a word). Inwardly, equally, no man has ever not quietly questioned if he is all that he could be either.

And you women are of no help. Articles appearing in magazines apparently in the know, tend to favour the "it's-not-the-wand-it's-the-magician" mantra, and yet the chatter in bathroom stalls and girls night out is all about the bulge. So what's a guy to do?

Around the water cooler, there was nary a mention from colleagues experiencing this same fate, yet I wondered if behind those impersonal cubicles lurked hundreds of deleted, and perhaps a few opened emails sporting intriguing newly twisted "hard-not-to-open" subject lines. So I did the unthinkable. I wondered aloud.

Well, let me tell you, the audible and collective sigh of relief that permeated the four eggshell white walls strewn with forgettable low resolution copies of famous art could be heard worldwide through the very same internet that created this mass confusion in the first place. And not just from the guys. The gals, too, admitted that they, yes THEY, also received the same emails. Why didn't they say anything to us guys? Why the secrecy? Why continue to let us privately stew in the pot of inadequacy?

One extremely handsome man I know (yes, I am borderline secure enough to know when another man is handsome) is as close to an Adonis as I can imagine. And he freely admitted receiving the same emails, his inbox also peppered with those "help-me-now-and-receive-a-percentage-of-the-rescued-money" emails that are always a scam, and almost always from Nigeria. Seems there are bunches and bunches of American funds tied up in Nigerian bank accounts that families of now deceased prominent citizens cannot access. I wish them well and am sorry for their loss, but I have bigger, or should I say, smaller, problems of my own to solve.

Intrigued by this admission from Adonis himself, I engaged him in some idle banter and we shared similar lighthearted pokes at receiving these informative emails. We should send them thank you replies, we thought, for such enlightenment. Comparing email contents as though we were trading sports cards and swapping statistics in a childish "my-dad-can-beat-up-your-dad" debate, I felt the anvil being pulled from my shoulders. It felt good. Without closing my eyes (hey, one doesn't want to appear rude in the privileged audience of such an iconic figure) I drifted into a sea of clouds, effortlessly elevated above all, standing atop the same pillar as Adonis. Me and Adonis. Adonis and me. We're the same, I imagined.

The distinctive Microsoft sound byte alerted me to reality, interrupting what could possibly have been the single most restful night of sleep I have ever had while awake. A more succulent, albeit fleeting, moment nobody has ever had. Adonis swivelled his monitor for my viewing pleasure. "See?", he decreed, "Here's another one for ya. And look, this cream is something you lather on by hand. Supposed to work wonders".

And with that, I arose from the government style faux chrome trimmed grey flannel looking fabric chair to return to my cubicle, whispering to myself, "It does".

And that's my take...

by Curtis Sagmeister ©2009 All Rights Reserved.

About the Author
Curtis Sagmeister is self-described as a Photographer, Author, Poet, Songwriter, Student of Human Behavior, Community Activist, Social Commentator, Environmental Steward and Wage Slave. A number of his creative works have been published throughout the world and he recently launched his website at http://www.sagmeister.ca and a blog accessible from his website.

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